This is something I've noticed for years, decades even. Whenever I relax a little because sustaining a very frugal lifestyle is hard work, whenever I remind myself that I can live like a normal person (and by normal I mean washing my clothes in a washing machine instead of by hand, and taking showers instead of sponge baths, and running the vacuum cleaner instead of sweeping) and God will provide something big, scary, and/or expensive happens.
It's the same thing. I relax a little. Maybe I treat myself to a special coffee or a silly game to relax and enjoy. I start getting this feeling like something bad is going to happen. I try to brush it off and remind myself to trust in God, something bad happens anyway, and I feel like I've angered God and I'm being punished and I'm not allowed to live a normal life or think I deserve one.
Last night was the perfect example. I wanted to relax and play a little game on phone, so instead of hand-washing dishes, I loaded the dishwasher. I turned it on, had my fun on my phone until I was getting ready for bed and the house filled up with this terrible smell. I went to investigate and my boys were saying, "Mom! There's no power!" The dishwasher had a really bad electrical short, it tripped the breaker so badly that the breaker wouldn't switch back on.
So, I had a broken dishwasher, a house that reeked of burned out electric, a breaker that wouldn't turn back on, so literally half the house had no electricity (it's a single wide mobile home, so one 20 amp breaker serves the boys' bathroom, their bedrooms, one side of the living room, and some of the kitchen and laundry room.)
Thankfully, I was able to narrow the smell down to the dishwasher door control panel. I checked the outlets, felt the walls, checked the breaker box and wiring, let the breaker switch rest until morning and it turned back on fine this morning (we're still going to replace it). But, I had to stay awake to do the inspection and make sure the house wasn't going to go up in flames.
But now I am struggling with feeling like God is smacking me down a notch again. Yesterday, I was feeling good. I'm over my bronchitis. Sunday I enrolled in the Brown Scapular. Monday, my friend and I were making plans for me returning to sacred music and possibly a job opportunity. I started singing again seriously. And now I just feel like as soon as I stand up and start moving forward, I get pushed back in my seat again.
Why am I blaming God and not the Enemy? Because of the consistency and His allowance of it. I don't understand it. It's literally the same thing. Years ago I remember that literally every time I treated myself to anything, even a small coffee, if it was with money and not a gift card someone gave me one of our vehicles would break down. I would spend a few dollars on a coffee at a coffee shop and face thousands of dollars in repairs.
One time I went to get my hair cut. Just a simple wash, cut, and quick style. But I almost never went to get my hair cut in my entire adult life, so this was a "treat," not routine maintenance like it is for a lot of people. I got out to my vehicle and it broke down right there in the parking lot. And not like a typical breakdown like the battery dies. I can't remember what it was, but it was some weird thing.
When I was evangelical I had a saying, "I flinch when I pray," because literally LITERALLY every time I would pray for something (healing, conversion, provision, financial help, wisdom, something needed) something bad would happen. Like, it was BAD bad.
We were invited to Disney by friends of ours. They were providing everything except traveling down there. We were making plans to go and my husband ended up in the hospital for a week and out of work for 3 months.
I could go on and on with examples and it's so pervasive that even our friends and family notice and say things like, "you guys have the worst luck! I've never seen anyone deal with so many blows one right after the other! It never stops!"
It got to a point where I swore we had what I called an imp in the house (a demon that just moves things and affects things to drive you crazy). I did the house blessing and multiple deliverance prayers. I've done deliverance prayers over my family.
Just in the past two weeks I begged God to please give me a break (concerning marriage issues) because I could not handle it anymore. I was at my breaking point.
My husband's truck has been in the garage for nearly a month, now, because his transfer case didn't just break down. It blew up and broke things around it, and the part it broke is actually really rare because the truck was custom built by the previous owner. I can't even imagine what that bill is going to look like.
And in the meantime, despite begging for direction, I feel like I have no direction. But every time I think I receive a direction from God it gets confused. Does He want me to work on sacred music or is He saying for me to go get a second job? (It's one or the other. I don't have the strength to do both and take care of my family
