Have you ever had good opportunities come to you and you embrace them, work hard at them, and then things go wrong or someone gets disappointed or isn't satisfied with your work, and you struggle to not just throw it all away and give up? You're embarrassed, stressed, ashamed even.
I'm trying REALLY hard to take the lumps into the gravy, because I know in reality that you have to in order to make any progress. You learn from your mistakes, even the ones you'll never be able to correct or make good on.
I'm trying REALLY hard to laugh it off and be humble. For example, one of my publications came back with everything looking weirdly jumbo, and I cracked a joke that well, at least the elderly who need large print will be able to read it easily.
I worked sooooo hard on a sewing project only to return it to the customer with some mysterious stains on it. I literally laid it out in good lighting and checked it over before packing it up for delivery and yet there were mystery stains upon delivery and no explanation why they were there.
Or I sing for a Mass and my voice gives out.
Or....whatever.....
I pray the Litany of Humility which helps with jealousy, envy, entitlement, and holier than thou attitudes, but I'm struggling with the let-down of being, well, human.
No, I don't expect to be perfect. Just for things to turn out as they should. All the rehearsing, all the hard work, all the care, all the effort.....and yet it never seems good enough.
I feel like people look at me and think, "Katy, you're so capable and yet you constantly fall short."
Or, "You said you could do it, but clearly you can't."
And then there's the resentment. Maybe if I had better opportunities growing up. Maybe if my mother didn't smother me and keep me locked up like Rapunzel to spare me from the dangers of college and the world. Maybe if I had this or that or whatever.......
What is the point? Am I useful at all or am I just shy of not being good enough at anything to be useful to anybody?
And yet if I miss singing a Mass I am told how very much I was missed.
And yet that same customer was very pleased with other sewing work I did.
And yet I know that as I get used to the publication program and how it works and translates to print I can easily fix the accidental jumbo issue....and I got a lot of compliments on it, regardless.
Maybe it's because I was beaten as a child and I knew I could avoid beatings if I could just be perfect and invisible. Maybe it's because despite being a straight A student if I did struggle with a class or a test the teachers acted like hell froze over and I did something bad. Maybe it's because so very often my good intentions were misinterpreted or misused by hurting or even evil individuals. Maybe it's because I was falsely accused and harshly punished for things I didn't do, but I couldn't prove it otherwise because, despite being completely innocent, I had diverted from perfection just enough in the moment that I lost my alibi.....and everyone thought I was a terrible person. Maybe it's because I was painfully shy (and later learned I'm autistic with a high level of social anxiety disorder) and people thought I was a snob instead of someone struggling with socialization. Maybe it is because it is very very VERY rare to be loved and cared for if you aren't good and useful.
If I don't get these things right I'm out of work, I'm out of a friend, a client, a priest. How can someone with so many capabilities wind up feeling so useless and regrettable?
I don't understand this world. I don't understand why steps 1, 2, and 3 executed properly still don't end up with the right results.
How do you normies handle this world? Because this autistic Catholic can't figure it out.